It's Chuck's birthday! 23 big ones. I can only imagine how mind-blowing his status updates will be today......I can see him saying something like, "Chuck is deliciously young"...........OH WAIT, that's right ---->
Chuck Update - 2/27/09 - 2:14pm
Chuck is deliciously young.
My Thoughts
Ready for your birthday present Chuck? I'm gonna let this update slide.......happy birthday buddy.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Chuck in ONE sentence
Chuck Update - 12/18/08 - 3:22am
Chuck is awkwardly positioning himself between two goregous drunk women.
Comment 1 at 11:40am
what else is new?
Comment 2 at 5:12pm
y is that awkward?
My Thoughts
3:22am. POSITIONING. Chuck is performing the act of positioning while he is updating?.......WHAT! If Chuck had updated his status 1 minute later, at 3:23am, it would have said, "Two gorgeous women are glaring at me from across the room, and my shirt is covered in Jack and Coke."
Imagine it. So there Chuck is, hanging out at a hip after-hours spot with some of his friends after a long night of drinking. He spots two good looking ladies across the room and, after some prodding from his friends, decides to go talk to them. He leads with his "I'm a lawyer" line which causes both girls to flip their hair and perk up their chests, an immediate sign that the two ladies are into both him and money, but probably more the money. One girl says, "My friend and I love to have a good time, TOGETHER." At this juncture any normal guy would try to remain calm and think of the best way to get the party moving. Not Chuck. Chuck's mind was saying, "mustupdatefacebookmustupdatefacebookmustupdatefacebookmustupdatefacebook", and suddenly, before he even knew what was happening, he was on his phone punching out a facebook update like a mad symphony composer and the women were gone.
Chuck is not smiling.
Chuck's decision in this situation was simultaneously the worst idea ever AND the most blatant abuse of a person's facebook updating powers that I have ever seen. I have an idea Chuck, make it less awkward by not using your phone to update your FACEBOOK status while you regale your new lady friends with stories of poorly written contracts and that professor who "totally looks like Chuck Norris!" Don't get me wrong, I am sympathetic to Chuck's plight, and one possible explanation is that Chuck did not actually make the decision to update his facebook status. No no, I believe that Chuck may have been experiencing what I would call a "Facebook Blackout." It's a lot like sleepwalking, but the person can only consciously think about facebook and nothing else. Symptoms may include facebook obsession, experiencing moments of forgetfulness, and being Chuck.
An alternate theory is that Chuck merely wanted his readers to believe that he was talking to anonymous women that he had just met......and to think that he had somehow suavely introduced himself to them. Of course Chuck had to throw in the word "awkwardly" because Chuck is all about being likably awkward (Re: original). Well guess what Chuck, you are not living in a movie and the awkward guy never gets the gorgeous girl. My guess is that the women were actually his friends, and that they were not attractive at all. They were probably sitting in Chuck's living room watching youtube videos and Chuck knew that they would read his facebook update later on and that he would score brownie points for calling them "gorgeous." Brilliant plan Chuck, here's a slogan you can use for that technique, "Calling girls gorgeous on facebook but not flirting with them in person: Keeping men single since 2004!"
I love you Chuck.
Chuck is awkwardly positioning himself between two goregous drunk women.
Comment 1 at 11:40am
what else is new?
Comment 2 at 5:12pm
y is that awkward?
My Thoughts
3:22am. POSITIONING. Chuck is performing the act of positioning while he is updating?.......WHAT! If Chuck had updated his status 1 minute later, at 3:23am, it would have said, "Two gorgeous women are glaring at me from across the room, and my shirt is covered in Jack and Coke."
Imagine it. So there Chuck is, hanging out at a hip after-hours spot with some of his friends after a long night of drinking. He spots two good looking ladies across the room and, after some prodding from his friends, decides to go talk to them. He leads with his "I'm a lawyer" line which causes both girls to flip their hair and perk up their chests, an immediate sign that the two ladies are into both him and money, but probably more the money. One girl says, "My friend and I love to have a good time, TOGETHER." At this juncture any normal guy would try to remain calm and think of the best way to get the party moving. Not Chuck. Chuck's mind was saying, "mustupdatefacebookmustupdatefacebookmustupdatefacebookmustupdatefacebook", and suddenly, before he even knew what was happening, he was on his phone punching out a facebook update like a mad symphony composer and the women were gone.
Chuck is not smiling.
Chuck's decision in this situation was simultaneously the worst idea ever AND the most blatant abuse of a person's facebook updating powers that I have ever seen. I have an idea Chuck, make it less awkward by not using your phone to update your FACEBOOK status while you regale your new lady friends with stories of poorly written contracts and that professor who "totally looks like Chuck Norris!" Don't get me wrong, I am sympathetic to Chuck's plight, and one possible explanation is that Chuck did not actually make the decision to update his facebook status. No no, I believe that Chuck may have been experiencing what I would call a "Facebook Blackout." It's a lot like sleepwalking, but the person can only consciously think about facebook and nothing else. Symptoms may include facebook obsession, experiencing moments of forgetfulness, and being Chuck.
An alternate theory is that Chuck merely wanted his readers to believe that he was talking to anonymous women that he had just met......and to think that he had somehow suavely introduced himself to them. Of course Chuck had to throw in the word "awkwardly" because Chuck is all about being likably awkward (Re: original). Well guess what Chuck, you are not living in a movie and the awkward guy never gets the gorgeous girl. My guess is that the women were actually his friends, and that they were not attractive at all. They were probably sitting in Chuck's living room watching youtube videos and Chuck knew that they would read his facebook update later on and that he would score brownie points for calling them "gorgeous." Brilliant plan Chuck, here's a slogan you can use for that technique, "Calling girls gorgeous on facebook but not flirting with them in person: Keeping men single since 2004!"
I love you Chuck.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Chuck is the ordinary is extraordinary!
These updates came directly after the updates from my last post.....you know, the ones where Chuck was going into non-stop study mode/hibernation mode....................
Chuck Update - 11/25/08 - 7:51pm
Chuck is ready for the pre thanksgiving bar crawl of the century!
My Thoughts
Ahhhh yes, the pre thanksgiving bar crawl, what a magnificent and time-honored event. I see that you're going for the best one of the century - huh Chuck? Ballsy. Ballsy. It's gonna be hard to top the great pre thanksgiving bar crawl of 78', but I'm sure you've got your dancing shoes on. As we all know, this popular ritual is often marked by the type of craziness one might see at Mardi Gras , or at Chuck's favorite hangout, Borics Hair Salon.
Apparently Chuck doesn't know that "Bar Crawls" SUCK. Bar Crawls are what people who don't go to bars very often, and who don't know each other very well, do to make their night out sound more interesting (Exception: The 03' Spanish Club bar crawl was a rager!). Nobody wants to have a rigid itinerary of 6 bars that they must attend when they go out drinking. I submit that there are two possibilities here, 1. When Chuck says Bar Crawl he really means that he is going to play trivia at BW3's with his dog ("Assault") and his next door neighbor Skip, and he's just trying to play up the excitement, or 2. He really is going on a bar crawl and he really does think that it's going to be the best thing ever. If the latter is true, I imagine that Chuck made up the itinerary, and that it looked something like this:
9:30 - Walk our dogs at the dog park (I hope that Assault doesn't assault any other dogs!)
10:30 - Planet Hollywood for good drinks and good times!
11:00 - Hard Rock Cafe for good drinks, good tunes, and good times!
11:30 - Rock Band after-party at Chuck's apartment (bring your favorite flavor of gatorade!)
12:00 - Bedtime, go to sleep and think about all the good times!
Chuck Update - 11/26/08 - 4:24pm
Chuck is on the bus 8 booze cruise then hitting the town!
My Thoughts
That must have been some bar crawl the night before! It's only four in the afternoon the next day and Chuck is apparently already on the "bus 8 booze cruise" (updating his facebook status from his phone no doubt). How does Chuck have such amazing alcohol endurance and recovery time you ask? Well it's a little trick Chuck uses when he's drinking that I have nicknamed the "Houdini Clear Drinky." It's simple. Chuck will buy a bottle of Zima at the bar and pour it into a glass of ice, thus giving it the appearance of straight vodka. After that he informs all his friends (friend) that he is drinking straight vodka LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES. Chuck then begins to act drunk in the way that high school freshman - who have never drank before - act when they go to their first party, which Chuck's friends tolerate because of how much he has consumed. Thus, Chuck has accomplished his goal, he has the appearance of being a heavy-drinking, party bad-ass, but he can still get up in time to watch "Knitting with Nina" at 8:00am the next day and make it out for the booze cruise that afternoon. The Houdini Clear Drinky never fails, but Chuck, you're living a lie buddy.
Chuck Update - 11/28/08 - 3:35am
Chuck had an amazing thanksgiving... and saw a bus driver sleeping at a green light while her passengers looked around confused.
My Thoughts
This update may seem straightforward and harmless, but don't be fooled. Chuck is continuing his pattern of making his life seem more interesting than it is. You had an amazing thanksgiving Chuck? What made it amazing? I MUST KNOW!
What really irks me is that I don't understand how every day of Chuck's life can be better than every day of my own? On Thanksgiving Day I was at an official lottery office cashing in my 100 million dollar winner with Marvin Gaye privately performing "Let's Get it on" for me while I was banging Scarlett Johansson and sucking down a slurpee (half coke/half wild cherry), but all I could think about was how good Chuck's turkey must have tasted, and how funny his crazy Uncle Ron's jokes must have been. Damn you Chuck, I'm jealous and I'm not even sure why.
Chuck Update - 11/29/08 - 12:18pm
Chuck is in hibernation mode until finals are over... and craving leftover turkey.
My Thoughts
What are the chances that Chuck would not be craving leftover turkey? ZERO PERCENT. Chuck has to be craving leftover turkey because he is so seasonal and festive! Remember how much Chuck loves fall...("Chuck loves, loves fall")? Fall is just a season......you can only imagine how much Chuck loves holidays! As for Chuck's birthday........he has sworn his friends to secrecy about that, but let's just say that the reason he changes his pants 10 times on his birthday isn't that he can't decide what to wear.........
And there it is again, "hibernation mode"..................Go fuck yourself Chuck, I'm not buying it for a second.
Chuck Update - 11/25/08 - 7:51pm
Chuck is ready for the pre thanksgiving bar crawl of the century!
My Thoughts
Ahhhh yes, the pre thanksgiving bar crawl, what a magnificent and time-honored event. I see that you're going for the best one of the century - huh Chuck? Ballsy. Ballsy. It's gonna be hard to top the great pre thanksgiving bar crawl of 78', but I'm sure you've got your dancing shoes on. As we all know, this popular ritual is often marked by the type of craziness one might see at Mardi Gras , or at Chuck's favorite hangout, Borics Hair Salon.
Apparently Chuck doesn't know that "Bar Crawls" SUCK. Bar Crawls are what people who don't go to bars very often, and who don't know each other very well, do to make their night out sound more interesting (Exception: The 03' Spanish Club bar crawl was a rager!). Nobody wants to have a rigid itinerary of 6 bars that they must attend when they go out drinking. I submit that there are two possibilities here, 1. When Chuck says Bar Crawl he really means that he is going to play trivia at BW3's with his dog ("Assault") and his next door neighbor Skip, and he's just trying to play up the excitement, or 2. He really is going on a bar crawl and he really does think that it's going to be the best thing ever. If the latter is true, I imagine that Chuck made up the itinerary, and that it looked something like this:
9:30 - Walk our dogs at the dog park (I hope that Assault doesn't assault any other dogs!)
10:30 - Planet Hollywood for good drinks and good times!
11:00 - Hard Rock Cafe for good drinks, good tunes, and good times!
11:30 - Rock Band after-party at Chuck's apartment (bring your favorite flavor of gatorade!)
12:00 - Bedtime, go to sleep and think about all the good times!
Chuck Update - 11/26/08 - 4:24pm
Chuck is on the bus 8 booze cruise then hitting the town!
My Thoughts
That must have been some bar crawl the night before! It's only four in the afternoon the next day and Chuck is apparently already on the "bus 8 booze cruise" (updating his facebook status from his phone no doubt). How does Chuck have such amazing alcohol endurance and recovery time you ask? Well it's a little trick Chuck uses when he's drinking that I have nicknamed the "Houdini Clear Drinky." It's simple. Chuck will buy a bottle of Zima at the bar and pour it into a glass of ice, thus giving it the appearance of straight vodka. After that he informs all his friends (friend) that he is drinking straight vodka LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES. Chuck then begins to act drunk in the way that high school freshman - who have never drank before - act when they go to their first party, which Chuck's friends tolerate because of how much he has consumed. Thus, Chuck has accomplished his goal, he has the appearance of being a heavy-drinking, party bad-ass, but he can still get up in time to watch "Knitting with Nina" at 8:00am the next day and make it out for the booze cruise that afternoon. The Houdini Clear Drinky never fails, but Chuck, you're living a lie buddy.
Chuck Update - 11/28/08 - 3:35am
Chuck had an amazing thanksgiving... and saw a bus driver sleeping at a green light while her passengers looked around confused.
My Thoughts
This update may seem straightforward and harmless, but don't be fooled. Chuck is continuing his pattern of making his life seem more interesting than it is. You had an amazing thanksgiving Chuck? What made it amazing? I MUST KNOW!
What really irks me is that I don't understand how every day of Chuck's life can be better than every day of my own? On Thanksgiving Day I was at an official lottery office cashing in my 100 million dollar winner with Marvin Gaye privately performing "Let's Get it on" for me while I was banging Scarlett Johansson and sucking down a slurpee (half coke/half wild cherry), but all I could think about was how good Chuck's turkey must have tasted, and how funny his crazy Uncle Ron's jokes must have been. Damn you Chuck, I'm jealous and I'm not even sure why.
Chuck Update - 11/29/08 - 12:18pm
Chuck is in hibernation mode until finals are over... and craving leftover turkey.
My Thoughts
What are the chances that Chuck would not be craving leftover turkey? ZERO PERCENT. Chuck has to be craving leftover turkey because he is so seasonal and festive! Remember how much Chuck loves fall...("Chuck loves, loves fall")? Fall is just a season......you can only imagine how much Chuck loves holidays! As for Chuck's birthday........he has sworn his friends to secrecy about that, but let's just say that the reason he changes his pants 10 times on his birthday isn't that he can't decide what to wear.........
And there it is again, "hibernation mode"..................Go fuck yourself Chuck, I'm not buying it for a second.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Chuck is STUDYING
Chuck Update - 11/15/08 - 5:27pm
Chuck 's first final is december fifth, so he hopes you enjoyed seeing him while you had the chance. entering nonstop study mode...
My Thoughts
I'm going to be establishing a string of contradictory behavior from Chuck, and this update is the, "first link in the chain of evidence!", a phrase Chuck has certainly uttered as a joke many times, provoking uncontrollable laughter from his friends.
More on this update later.....
Chuck Update - 11/22/08 - 8:46pm
Chuck is staying in to study and cook. i just made the most badass sauce from scratch. i am so cool.
Comment 1 at 8:57pm
I dont know if you are that cool . . .. :o)
Chuck's response at 9:06pm
i think we both know that i am. tell your friends
Comment 2 at 9:16pm (different commenter)
did it involve ketchup? because then it really isn't from scratch.
Comment 3 at 9:26pm (different commenter)
Careful! Not too many heart attacks before Thanksgiving..... What time are we shopping tomorrow?
My Thoughts
Chuck clearly views cooking the same way he views law school, which is that only the "bad-assest of bad-asses" can do it. WRONG. WRONG. Oh you made a sauce from scratch Chuck? You do not qualify as a good cook merely because a "sauce" came out of your body while you were having a dream about Oprah.
Oh and we get it Chuck, you are ALWAYS studying no matter what else you're doing:
"Chuck is operating a fork lift while reading the Model Penal Code!"
"Chuck is sleeping and studying, osmosis baby, osmosis!"
"Chuck is at the ER after breaking both his arms and is amazed at how well he can use his toes to turn the pages of his Contracts book!"
"Chuck is tortin' and fuckin'!"
The interaction between Chuck and the people that comment on his updates reminds of old people that tell the same jokes over and over again and laugh at themselves every time they do it. If there had been a 4th comment it probably would have said, "You are what you eat Chuck!" But seriously, what they're really doing is playing the least funny game I've ever seen in my life, and pretending like it's all new and original...........I'm so cool! No you're not! YES I AM! It's opposite day! Haha! Lol! I need a Boone's Farm ASAP!
Chuck Update - 11/23/08 - 12:33pm
Chuck is going into hibernation until finals are over.
My Thoughts
Law students always say this shit. It would be OK if wasn't so completely overdramatic. Hibernation mode, really? Did you steal that from Obama's blog Chuck? "Guess what! I just won the presidency, 4 years of hibernation starts in January!"
However ludicrous it sounded, I was willing to give Chuck the benefit of the doubt because I've known some law students who pretty much only eat, sleep, and study during exams......however my faith in Chuck was shaken when I saw his next update......... --->
Chuck Update - 11/24/08 - 6:02pm
Chuck is kicking ass today and tomorrow so he can take wed and thurs off. seriously kids, lets all agree that wed and thurs are lawschool free days.
1 Comment from Chuck's friends at 8:56pm
i LOVE your contradicting statuses
Chuck's Response at 12:08am
haha. i get lazy so quickly
My Thoughts
Really Chuck? Really? The next fucking day? The day after you say you're going into "Hibernation" you are saying that you want to take TWO days off from law school? Chuck, all I really want is for you to be honest with yourself buddy. Law school isn't hard, you don't study during every waking moment, and you could never be a bear because bears are NEVER metrosexual. Sorry dude, it's science.
Oh in case you forgot, "Nonstop study mode" started back on 11/15! You would think that after being called out by his friend that Chuck would stop all the extreme hyperbole, but these hibernation/nonstop studying updates keep on coming! That's right. THERE. ARE. MORE. Oh, and what the fuck is the deal with LOVE being in all caps in that guy's comment. Does he actually love Chuck's contradicting updates? Does he like being attacked by bands of scorpions?
Now Chuck is quite deceiving when he says "I get lazy so quickly." Although on the surface it may appear like an admission, it is really just an attempt by Chuck to maintain a measure of coolness. In response to Chuck's comment, I wrote him a letter, it said:
Dear Chuck,
Quit trying to be everything to everybody and just become a real person.
Love,
A Concerned Friend
Chuck wrote me back:
Dear Chuck Blog Writer,
Sorry it took me so long to respond, I was studying. Anyways, you're an asshole.
Chuck
Monday, February 2, 2009
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